It was a chilly morning. As usual I had got up in time for the morning walk. It was snowing mildly and I made a mental note to carry my snow umbrella as I unleashed Timmy. He snuggled against my legs to drive away the chillness. I bent down and held his cold snout against my face for a minute and gave him a peck on his forehead. I put on my muffler. We went out and locked the door behind us and started our walk along the usual route. The road was deserted as sun's rays had not yet penetrated the thick clouds to lick away all the snow. I stopped at my favorite coffee shop to buy a strong cup of black coffee and a salt less croissant for Timmy. Obama was smiling at me from a wet tabloid and I gave away the change to get myself a copy. Timmy snorted. He knew that he would be on his own now as I would drown myself into the tabloid. He tried to release himself from my grip, but knowing him as well as I did, I had anticipated this and had tightened my fist around the leash. I let him guide me as I started browsing the front page. We passed the familiar smells of morning blossoms near the joggers' track and the sounds of the snow crunching under the spikes of the early morning joggers. I kept telling myself not to expect him on the track. He had been married just for a week and there would be no reason why he would come out for a round in this hostile weather. Was it the reason for me to choose a walk now despite the cold? I did not want to answer it. I knew he was married but was just not prepared to meet him yet. I tried to read carefully what Obama planned to do with the troops in Afghanistan and Iraq. I realized the futileness of the attempt and lowered my hand exasperatedly. Timmy gave an excited woof and got back an equally cheerful yap. My heart started racing. No! "Dear God, Let it not be Saber. Please", I prayed fervently. And uselessely. Timmy freed himself in a flash and ran towards Saber. Both bit and smelled each other as if to convey how irresponsible we were to have kept them apart for more than a fortnight. I gathered my courage to look up and away from Saber. "Does the crooked grin ever leave his face?" I thought wearily. There he was, standing and smiling at me, as I wondered if he had been really away for fifteen days. The lines near his eyes were the same, the blue i-pod clipped to his t-shirt was the same, and the white tick mark on his black tracks was just the same… There was only one change though. He had company this time. From a little distance, she looked every bit as pretty as someone like him deserved to have. And I had no wish to observe her closely. Words escaped my mouth as I cursed myself for being so impolite towards his wife. "Hi!", I said feebly and extended my hand towards her. She smiled brightly as he introduced me to her. I was afraid that the tears stinging would somehow escape my eyes. I looked away in the general direction of Timmy and Saber and remarked dumbly, "They have missed each other a lot, haven't they?". "Sure looks like it", he said. "Saber was terribly bored during the marriage too. No one could handle him smoothly. I managed to find some time for him in between the ceremonies, but I wished you were there." I looked at his face to see if there was more to his words than what they conveyed. No clue. Inscrutable as always. "Huh-huh", I said perfunctorily. "If it were not for the emergency bug fix, you know I would not have missed it for anything". His face clearly showed that he did not buy one word of what I said. Suddenly the alarm in his watch started ringing loudly. The same Sonata No. 28. He absent mindedly switched it off. My stomach lurched. Was he too unable to sleep? Or did he get up before the alarm to meet me? It would not have been difficult for him to guess the extent I would go to avoid him, at least presently. Or did he even realize that I had a reason to avoid him? I felt unsure as always. "I have told her a lot about you" he said and put his arm on her shoulder lightly. My shoulder seared like molten iron. "I hope it was something nice!"I said. "Of course!" he said. "I told her that you could beat me in the 800m dash we used to have sometimes". I could not believe that it was all he could tell about me to his wife. I glanced at my watch. I could not bear to look at him directly. "Let's give the dogs five more minutes and then we can move on" he said evenly. Damn! If he could understand the dogs so easily, what could have been so difficult about me?? The unspoken words formed a lump in my throat and obstructed my breathing. "Is that all you could tell her about me?" He beamed mischievously. Blood rushed to my face. I became conscious of his wife's presence. I did not want her to notice me. Him, he anyway does not… Damn him. He never extracted from me what he was to me. And he had always kept me unsure of what I had been to him. He looked thoughtful. Probably he too was cursing me the same way. Or probably it was just wishful thinking. "What are you thinking about?" I would have asked him under normal circumstances. But I reminded myself that he was now a married man and not eligible for receiving my un-identifiable passes at him. "If you are free this weekend, why don't you join us for dinner?" his wife offered. "Good idea. She will come. Wont you?" he said I felt like Scarlett O Hara for a minute. I was prepared to throw myself against a married man and ask what he felt about me. I gripped myself and said "I would love to! I will give you a call to confirm" He looked sincerely happy. I felt sure this time that I had not mattered to him in that sense. Else would he not be experiencing the same conflict within? But here he is, genuinely happy about my coming. It made me feel slightly better. After all, the decision not to open up without knowing his side was correct. I would have made a fool of myself. "See you both then" I waved. He took out a hand kerchief from his pocket to wipe his forehead. It was the same he had picked up from my track pocket a few months back. Had he preserved it? Why? Was it his idea of some kind of indicator? I felt dizzy. I was tired of such mental jigsaws. "Come on Timmy", I violently pulled poor Timmy and started walking in the opposite direction, leaving him behind. His glance burned hot on my neck but I never turned back. Tomorrow is anyway another day… 
Monday, March 9, 2009
Yet Another Day, Yet Another Walk…
Posted by Sudha Rangarajan at 2:43 AM 8 comments Links to this post
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Ruminations of a restive mind !!
She: I wish we get time to do more of this. It is so refreshing.
He: Yes. Let s make a vacation planner for the next 5 years and stick to it.
She: Cant you get rid of that IT lingo at least on a cruise??!
He: You are losing focus. We were discussing about how to replicate this in the coming years!!
She: God forbid your language! You are driving me nuts!! Yeah, lets plan about it once we go home.
He: I don’t feel like going home! The damn release 3.2 is going to eat all my time :(
She: Release 3.2? What is it this time??
He: It is a web based conflict management tool. For peaceful resolution of conflicts between spouses, work teams, friends, room mates etc.
She: Heh??
He: Yeah. We identified the gap in the market for a tool like this. What basically our research found is that people are losing the ability to argue and fight gradually. Due to time and distance constraints, people tend to ignore even if there is some kind of misunderstanding with someone. So what our tool aims at is to enable people to create groups with various intimacy levels. For example, intimacy level 1 would be between Work teams and intimacy level 5 may be between spouses or very close friends. Based upon your group’s intimacy level, you would get an array of emotions to choose from.
She: So what do you do once such a group is created online?
He: Well, if the groups are in place, we have a visibility window which would indicate to people if you are online. And you presence would be indicated to them in various colour codes, each one for different kinds of moods – Euphoric, Tense, Sad, Lonely, Weird, Loving and so on. The best part over here is you can tell the tool who is behind your mood, let us say anger and that person alone would be able to see that you are angry. It would help in fast resolution as the person knows s/he is responsible for it (justifiably or unjustifiably) and hence would make at least an attempt to pacify you - which we believe is the step missing right now majorly because of distance separating people.
She: Don’t you think people would prefer just talking and clearing things face to face?
He: No. Have you observed in offices how people use IM to talk to even cubicle mates? Let us say your friend in Mumbai is mad at you for forgetting her birthday. Now you have no clue you have forgotten it and hence would have no way of knowing it otherwise. Or let us say you team mate had to give you a preliminary research report on which you had to carry out further analysis. But the guy took an unplanned leave and left you to curse him whole heartedly. Now if he could see on his mobile screen that you are seething with anger, it would definitely have an impact at least the next time he thinks of such crazy ideas. Don’t you think so??
She: I see you point. But still I don’t understand how this could help in conflict management between spouses.
Or let us say you had to shop alone for the groceries because I was busy and you were very irritated about it while you were in the store. You might forget about it when I come home.. So if you could just change to “irritated” in the shop, even if you forget it, I would definitely remember and ask you about it immediately or after I come home. And we could avoid this incident happening again.
She: You know what, you are right about the groceries part :P :P! But I think you have a good idea here.. But you need net on the go right?
He: Yes. We are thinking of launching the mobile as well as the web version of it simultaneously.
She: Sounds good to me!! How did you get the idea?? We don’t even fight that often!!
He: I was watching Alaipauythey (Saathiya to the Hindi junta) the other day and I realized that 90% of the problems they had were because of not coming out with minor irritations and expectations. I felt that if such a tool could be provided, it would strengthen relationships to a great extent. I discussed with my friends and they too felt excited about it.
She: I wish I had the too, now. I would have changed my status to “Bewildered”.. You could not bother discussing it with me??
He: Haha !! You were too busy during that time and we never had a time like this to share things in open. Well, not for long.. We ll soon be one soul in two bodies!! :D
Posted by Sudha Rangarajan at 12:33 AM 7 comments Links to this post
Friday, December 26, 2008
To Be or Not to Be
"It was raining outside. There was not much for him to do. He was tired of reminiscing now. He wondered if he should go back to sleep. The nagging headache too was bothering him. Probably a visit to the doctor was imminent. He must tell his parents about it. Coming to think of it, he realized that he had not spoken to them for nearly a week. In fact he had not even been busy. They had not called him and he did not have anything important enough to call them up and tell. He was worried that it was fast becoming yet another thing he was getting used to. Distant thunder brought him back to reality. He vowed to himself that he would find time somehow this month to make a visit home. He needed some space to clear his head. Wasteful thoughts had been practically clobbering him down. The glorified education was filling him with murderous rage. The futility of the learning, the philosophy behind the course, the vainness of the whole exercise mocked at him as they had been doing for a long time now. He did not want to know how to multiply money. He wanted to know how to create money. For those who did not have it. Reinvestment of the investment felt disgusting. It did not have the nice ring to as one meal-a-day to two meals-a-day. Rice with water to rice with dal was what he wanted to know about. But nobody near him knew about it. The course refused to talk about it. He wanted to kill himself for letting IRMA pass by when it came knocking. He did not want to be a huge failure of an MBA earning peanuts when his class mates would be running corporations. He did not want to remain wistful seeing people LIVE life. But he did not want to work towards creating wealth for those who probably did not need it. Need it as in NEED and not WANT. He was torn between the niceties of life which come at a price on one side and the happiness which comes from obeying one's inner command on the other side. He did not want to travel the road not taken. But he knew he would have to return back to it sooner than later. What he would miss lest he treads the conventional path was clear to him but the question of whether he would miss them enough to give up the life he had dreamt of while growing up taunted and tossed him. He was troubled by his own double standards. He wanted to be rich but he did not want to do what pays money. He wanted to live in Mumbai but wanted to work for uplifting the villagers. He wanted to travel the world in a cruise yet wanted to make sure no kid goes to the bed hungry. If wishes were horses, he would have owned a million stables by then." What I personally feel is that he is making the situation too complex for himself. He has a lot of time on his hand. All he needs to do is soul-search and come up with wishes which do not contradict each other. He just needs to steel himself and make the single major decision of his life: to be or not to be. If he decides not to be, he needs to have the maturity not to be guilty or attach any moral strings to it. If he decides to be, then it is important to stick to it and work smartly towards the cause, come what may. To be or not to be??
Posted by Sudha Rangarajan at 12:17 PM 6 comments Links to this post
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Betrayals !
Whether it's because of fate's design or my own error of judgement, I cannot still decide. But in the last one week, out of the four books I read (read bought n read!), 3 were disasters and the fourth was tolerable. Yesterday and today, I had been wasting time on Chetan Bhagat's "3 Mistakes of my life" and Arvind Adiga's "The White Tiger".. While I had no expectations from Chetan Bhagat, I expected the Booker winner "The White Tiger" to be a treat.. Especially when it is a self proclaimed dark comedy, my kind really..
Posted by Sudha Rangarajan at 10:08 PM 6 comments Links to this post
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Catalyst on a boring day :)
Constant flip flops inside
Some violent somersaults too!
The Tamil song in repeat mode
Dusting memories of yesterday..
The beauty of the lyrics
Creating a musical cascade within..
The key has been found
The lock has lost its value now!
The gush is exciting and familiar
Started on no less than a fourth gear!!
The constant hum disturbs hardly
Rather energizes oddly,
To match wits and class
To raise brows and smile!
An alert spine and a quick pulse
Sweaty palm just inches away
"Fantasy", you say?
"Most probably", I say!
Web is a blessing
Allowing me to stare at you from here!!
Much the same way I had
Without your blushing acknowledgment though :D
"Its weird", don't you say?
For a line to throw open the flood gates
But how do I care?
It brings me joy from nowhere!
This feverish excitement in all my joints
And the accusing heart making "its points"
No doubt are crossing bounds, but..
No complaints if I m entertained a few more rounds :)
Posted by Sudha Rangarajan at 12:49 PM 8 comments Links to this post
Saturday, October 18, 2008
To Bombay, With Love
The semester is coming to a close and this is to everything I have given up for it!
This is to those good days at work
The bad lunch and a fruit plate
The cheap, sweet tea
The tons of gossip to go along with it
The dingy apartment
My dirty bed without a cover
Books with yellow pages and faded prints
My laundry bag full of CAT material
Far yet close room mates
The late mornings
My love affair with The Times of India
Long baths with loud 9XM
Expensive deoderants
The leisurely Saturdays
Juhu's clay and calmness
Corn and groundnuts
Little Italy and New Yorker
The mystic ISKCON
PVR and Crosswords
Our own Bombay Blues Thali
Goodluck's upma
Fat Wallet
Breathtaking Bandstand
Tawdry bric-a-bracs
Sweaty locals
Stolen rides on the first class
Paan Spit and Pirated CDs
Wada Pav and autorickshaws
Shopper's stop n FabIndia
Mochas and Subway
Impulsive purchases
100 Rupees t-shirts
The 200 auto-fare on them
Rare visits to South Bombay
Wanderings along the Causeway
Second hand book stores
Fast food next to the urinals
Magnificent theatres
Concerts and Pop shows
Ogling at the mischievous couples
With a sigh of longing and a relief of staying clear
Occasional crushes in office
Of them moving on
And me too...
The monstrous city
Its neon flashes
Incessant rains
Wet dupattas on my chair handle
Night stays with friends
Oshiwara
Ahura Centre
Wet afternoons & Curd rice
DDLJ and K3G
Radio Mirchi and Red FM
Love Guru
Monthly drama for paying rent
Cold conference rooms
The feel of the I-card around my neck
Dirty puppies
Myself
Life..
What was and What is.
Posted by Sudha Rangarajan at 11:40 PM 9 comments Links to this post
Sunday, September 28, 2008
What is luxury for you and me?
Two days in a workshop called 'Luxury marketing' has made a style averse me more averse to it! Though the seminar was supposed to be 'marketing luxury' in all the segments one can think of, it was very heavily dominated by this one particular brand - Louis Vuitton, towards which I was apathetic till a few days back, and towards which I am allergic today. Watches, Bags, shoes, perfumes, hand-kerchiefs, goggles and many such petty items took a disproportionately large amount of attention. I love all these, no doubt. But there is a huge question as to whether these deserve the money they charge from the consumer as well as whether it would at all give me any kind of satisfcation if I break my head to position them as a superior offering to the Cindy Crawfords ( for the sheer lack of knowledge on anyone more recent) or Mahendar Singh Dhonis of the world. Even if someone pays me my weight in gold as my monthly salary (which would leave them with no operating profits I am sure :)! ) I would never ever go into this for the simple reason that I can't convince anyone to be fooled by this when I am as unmoved after 16 hours of listening to this, as ever. I am not a communist, no way! But there are definitely a lot of better ways in which one can spray such money around. Though books win hands down, travel, photography, musical instruments, new gadgets are far better a way to spend money and reap benefits. Whether I keep my smelly leather wallet inside a Louis Vuitton bag or the fake Diesel bag bought near Andheri Station, it is not going to affect the way I feel about myself. Damn it! Why do you need a stupid bag or a shoe to give you confidence in yourself? Why do I need to announce that I have arrived, by tip toeing on a Prada Pencil heel?? How can I someone to define me by what they see on my body? Do you neot have anything to be proud of yoursrlf other than the shoe you own?? Is Paris Hilton the smartest person alive?? What has the world come to? HOW CAN ANYONE BE SO SNOBBISH & HOLLOW?? AND WHY?
I am not trying to act a noble soul, but it was just beyond my tolerance to sit through a thing like this, listening to people selling 3.2 lac watches. I felt cheated from within, when I thought, "Why did I CHOOSE to learn all these?". Learning new things are interesting, but this wasn't. If I have that kind of money, I know a hundred good ways to spend it. Thank God for the social consciousness my family has put in me. For all I care, 'Luxury' to me is having confidence in myself, irrespective of how I look or what I wear. And hearing the definition over and again that luxury is anything that is 'Exclusive', I really know that my self-image is a huge luxury. Not many seem to have it. At least, we were shown only those kind of people for 2 whole days. Sick.
My real luxuries are as follows:
1. Good books. Getting them as and when they are released.
2. Leisure time with your family & friends.
3. Being able to reach home whenever you are needed.
4. Knowing what exam you have tommorrow.
5. Coffee and Hindu in the morning.
6. A husband who loves literature. Tamil & English.
7. A healthy family ( a huge luxury. I know how an illness has an avalanche effect in terms of bad mouthing your family members.)
8. Good food.
9. A job which satisfies you by challenging you everyday.
That more or less covers most of my luxuries. Though not in the exact order they are in my mind. Of course, that would be too foolish to give the order ;) ! Knowing me in and out is a definite luxury I cannot offer to everyone !
Posted by Sudha Rangarajan at 11:30 PM 1 comments Links to this post
Monday, August 25, 2008
A Prisoner's Diary - Part 2
Looking back at the three months spent here..
Losses:
1. Family & Friends (very important). Haven't spoken to a lot of them even once during the last three months. Not having too many friends here does make matters worse. I miss the camaraderie of being a part of a closely knit group. I have been used to it both in college and work :(
2. Good food: I never ever imagined that I would miss the food I used to cook !!! But I do. The food we get is remotely fit for human consumption. And Bombay has given me the taste for good food... I have immensely enjoyed eating out there.
3. Time for reading good stuff: I read all the day. But enjoy a mere 5% of it (optimistic estimate). All those nights spent reading some real good books, where I used to wonder if the dawn swallowed some hours of the night. Those classics and thrillers, M&Bs and fantasy seem a distant dream these days.
4.Time for myself: Time for walks, taking leisurely baths, praying quietly in a temple, sitting idly in the beach, listening to a distant bird or simply lying down staring at the roof..
5. Sense of doing something: As long as I dont know why I am here, there is not a lot of sense cribbing about this. I used to enjoy my work at TCS. I used to feel that I am doing something which is of direct use to someone and indirect use to me. I might not have admitted this before but the only thing which had dissatisfied me there was the absence of a clear growth path for people (Please God, let me not sound like someone who has read a lot of HR :D). My only hope hanging loosely is that my close friend and my cousin find the finance subjects very interesting and there is no reason why I would not soon.
6.Weight: A quite a lot of it. Dont ask me how much!
Gains:
Enough of cribbing. Now to the gains.
1. Stamina: I have developed an amazing stamina these days. I work for the whole day and still have the energy to lie down with a novel before sleeping however late it be.
2. Assignments: Not a gain in the conventional sense, but a gain nevertheless :) :) !
3. I am thinking hard.... hmmm...hmm..Laptop probably?! Can't think of anything else to fill in here. Hopefully, the days to come might provide me with something.
Posted by Sudha Rangarajan at 12:55 AM 2 comments Links to this post
Thursday, July 24, 2008
A day in the passing !
1 WAC submission
2 FCQs
Both core subjects tat we came to know now!
Inspite of being told yesterday that we have a language and core subject.
Had to attend the first class without getting attendence :) ;) !
Huh!! The grind is getting stronger day by day :) :) :) !!
Posted by Sudha Rangarajan at 11:45 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
A Prisoner's diary - Part 1
Its more than 2 months since I gave any attention to my brain child :) !
Most of you know what I have been doing in the interim, and for those who don't, here it is! Lured by things I cannot articulate coherently, I started preparing for various MBA entrances and got through where I am holed in right now. And believe me when I say that these two months have been the busiest days of my life so far. One thing which comes close is the initial training or ILP as they call it, sponsored by TCS. I now realize what a child's play it had been!!!
My typical day starts sometime between 7:30 - 8:30 and goes on till 2 without any kind of break. Why? Because I need to spend my break time in our library. No. You are wrong :) ! My library does not stock best-sellers. Bring your eye-brows down. I will tell you what happened. Actually, we are serving a detention. Me? Can I ever break a rule to be given detention?! Nope. At least I won't be stupid enough to get caught. But what happened was some kind souls in our batch decided to go to the city guns blazing and asked their friends to give them proxy attendence. Big deal?!? Yep. In a management Institute. Its not engineering days anymore. Cool. So, here s the whole batch serving a detention of clocking in 20 hours in the library every week.
Is that all? No. Last Saturday, we had a FCQ and the second half of the classes got cancelled. Benevolent professors are a rare breed indeed !!! Having been quite regular to the library the past week, some 15 of us decided to go and watch 'Jaane tu..'. Some 15 minutes on the way to the theatre, came that howler (just reminiscing about those old days spent reading Harry Potter) which said, 'Batch Meet by You-know-who @ 4:15 pm'. Huh?! We were in the cmapus from 11 to 4 and no one had any idea about the batch meet which was to take place. But a half day off is so rare here that we decided to cary on..Anyway, it would have been useless to return. At 5:15 someone relays the breaking news: 'The batch has been grounded for 2 years!!!' What? What for?? No one knew. We spent some frustrated minutes using all the swaer words from our repository. On ourselves.To have been stupid enought to come out. Again came an angel's voice over the phone,'Don't worry. We have not been grounded after the batch-meet. Grounding was supposedly in place from last week itself'. Wow!! We all jumped up. Then realised that either way it meant that we are not to step out of the campus. This place can do strange things to your reasoning. May be bacause, you see weird reasoning by people all around you.
So, what now?! We fought our case on the grounds of being unaware of the rules and tried to use the instrument of logic and reasoning as much as we could. But defence counsel could not match the reasoning prowess of the prosecution. So, here we are, with an extended detention of 32 hours per week!! As I am writing this, I am already feeling better from within. Of letting the outside world know about what goes on inside a concentration camp:) ! I might be dealt with for spreading infamy, but your head throbs as long as it stays just within you. So its OK I guess. Have a quiz in some 15 mins. Then back to the library. hahaha :)!!
Posted by Sudha Rangarajan at 4:51 PM 4 comments Links to this post
